Highs and Lows

The next few weeks after the D&C were filled with highs and lows. A little over a week after my D&C, one of my best friends delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I was overjoyed and very happy for her. He was perfect in every way. I just kept thinking to myself "Oh my gosh, one of us is actually a mom." This just reassured me that I was ready to be a mother. Watching my best friend and her husband start their family made me want to experience it that much more. When I held him, all I could do was stare at him in amazement.

About a week later, my best friend called me with devastating news. She had gone to the doctor for her 34 week check up and they could not find the baby's heartbeat. She had lost him. I immediately got off the phone with her and drove to her house. As I was driving there I kept thinking to myself "no, this can't be happening. This isn't real. No way is this happening." But it was. My Godson was born a sleeping angel on December 20, 2009. I have spent the past couple of months angry and upset. I have questioned my faith and God. I have cursed the world and looked for answers. I know that everyone says that everything happens for a reason but no one can tell me why. I read everything I could to try to understand why this would happen. I tried my best to be strong for my best friend and her husband. I didn't know what to say or what to do to help ease their pain.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Godson. I never thought I could love someone so much that I had never met until my best friend in the whole world became pregnant. My best friend and I spend almost every day together. I attended doctor appointments with her, planned her baby shower, felt him move in her tummy and talked to him all of the time. I feel like he was cheated. He was cheated out of his life. His parents were cheated out of their son. I was cheated out of my Godson. Everyone in his family was cheated. Everyone who would have known him was cheated. I have spent too many nights in the past couple of months crying myself to sleep. I will not say anymore. He knows how I feel. It will never show on my face though. I will never let anything get the best of me!

The day after my Godson was born, I had my post opp check up with the doctor. I dreaded going back to that hospital. They called me back and first did a urine sample. They then took me to the second "waiting room" (as I like to call it). The doctor finally came and told me that the pregnancy hormone was out of my system which was a good sign. She also said that all tests from the tissue and blood work had come back fine. She then did an exam and told me that everything had healed nicely and my uterus was back to its original size. She informed Jonny and I that we would need to wait two menstrual cycles and then we could start trying again. She said that I should get my first cycle sometime in January and then after the February cycle we could try again. Jonny and I were happy and relieved with the news. We both decided that as soon as we could try again, we would. We knew that the journey would continue.