Well lets see. I left my last post on my birthday. I had gotten a negative pregnancy test and had my visit from Aunt Flo. Well, after that, we embarked on another month of trying for a baby. We enjoyed our sexcapades at all of the pertinent times. Then, it all fell apart. A couple of days before I was to begin my hormone, I ended up in the hospital. I woke up early in the morning with a terrible pain in my back and stomach. After about an hour, we went to the ER. I was eventually admitted to the hospital to be monitored. They say I passed a kidney stone and I had fluid around my pancreas. I was on a lot of pain medication at the hospital. A few days later, I followed up with my doctor who told me I had an ear infection and she tested me for mono. Due to all of the pain medication and the possibility that I could have mono, I decided that I was going to skip the hormone. It was a hard decision because there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind. What if the sperm and egg were meeting and I killed them? What if this is our chance and I ruin it? But I think the decision was a good one. I don't think I would want to start off my pregnancy already sick and on a bunch of medication. I went on an antibiotic for the ear infection and my test came back negative for mono. So, I got my wonderful monthly gift on the last day of March. "Here we go again."
Sometimes I just feel like I don't want to do this any more. I've always tried to stay positive. I've always said that nothing will get in my way. But as more time passes, it sometimes seems like it would be easier to just forget it. Maybe I'm just angry. I'm angry at all of the people out there that don't want kids and have them. I'm angry about all the women out there who only have kids so they can get more money from the government. I'm angry at all the people out there who have children and take them for granted. I'm angry at all the people out there who have kids and abuse them. I'm angry at all the women out there who have babies born addicted to drugs. I'm angry at all the women out there who have a baby and dispose of it like a piece of trash. I'm angry that there are so many people who desperately want to have children and we have a system full of children who are in foster care because their parents can't take care of them. I have a message for the world: If you don't want children, can't take care of them and/or don't want to take care of them, don't have them!! You have no idea how lucky you are. I feel as though I have gone from hope, to desparation, to sadness to angriness during this journey. I also feel like this journey is far from over. Maybe it is a woman's intuition, but for some reason, in the back of my mind, I feel like we have a lot more obstacles to overcome.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Birthday Wishes
It is so funny that when we are little, we wish for some of the simplest things when we blow out our birthday candles. We wish for things like a new toy, a barbie, a bicycle or for a certain boy to like us. When we are young, our wishes don't seem that far out of reach. When I turned 25, I was already wishing for me and Jonny to have a healthy baby (even though I was a couple of months from marriage). When I turned 26, I was still wishing for a healthy baby, but also wishing that there was nothing wrong with me that would prevent us from having a baby. This year, I was hoping that I would get a positive pregnancy test as a birthday present. That did not happen. I did break down and take the pregnancy test provided to me by my friend. I already knew in my heart that it would be negative but I peed on the damn thing anyway. I took it Friday morning and got the big fat negative. And guess what? Good ol aunt flow visited me that night. So, I will wish one more time for a healthy baby. I will not be blowing out any birthday candles until Sunday so I am saving up all of my air so I can get them all blown out with one breath. Isn't that the only way your wish comes true? At least that is what I was told as I was growing up.
I did, however, have a very wonderful day. I arrived at work to find my cubicle decorated with Happy Birthday decor and balloons. I had a huge basket full of presents from my secret pal. Then, I went to lunch with about 20 of the greatest co-workers ever! We ate at Montana Mikes and I had never been there before. Great food! Next, Telisha and I went to the salon to be pampered. I got my hair highlighted and cut and then we both got facials. It was very relaxing. So, even though I did not get the present that I have longed for for almost two years, I had a very good birthday.
I did, however, have a very wonderful day. I arrived at work to find my cubicle decorated with Happy Birthday decor and balloons. I had a huge basket full of presents from my secret pal. Then, I went to lunch with about 20 of the greatest co-workers ever! We ate at Montana Mikes and I had never been there before. Great food! Next, Telisha and I went to the salon to be pampered. I got my hair highlighted and cut and then we both got facials. It was very relaxing. So, even though I did not get the present that I have longed for for almost two years, I had a very good birthday.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Waiting Game is the Worst Part
Sometimes I feel like my life resembles a Shakespear play. "To pee or not to pee." As you read in my previous post, I started my hormone on February 20th. My period was due yesterday but the hormone always delays it. Although I would like to go ahead and take a pregnancy test, I feel like I'm not ready for disappointment. In the past 20 months of trying for a baby, I have only taken 3 pregnancy tests. Two of which were a big fat negative and one of which was a dream come true. I am trying to not set myself up for a huge disappointment but it is hard to not hope that the little spermy and little eggy did their job. My friend wants me to take a test right away. She even provided me with one to take home with me. I don't think I can bring myself to take one yet. It sounds a bit silly but I'd like to hold on to my hope a little bit longer. So I sit and wait and contemplate on whether to pee or not to pee. That is the big question.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Present
I didn't get my first menstrual cycle until about six weeks after my D&C and boy did I ever get it. I think that aunt flow really had it in for me. To say the least, it was not the most wonderful experience although I was glad to finally have a cycle. Jonny and I had to practice "safe" sex during the down time. I kept thinking to myself "why the hell do we need to practice safe sex, we couldn't even make a baby for 18 months?" It is kind of comical to look back and think that Jonny and I spent so many years doing everything possible to avoid pregnancy when we really never needed to. But, we followed the orders of the doctor. Jonny and I were at the store and I was standing in the aisle looking at all of the different varieties of condoms. When did they start making so many different kinds, sizes, colors, shapes, flavors? I kept reading all of the boxes and wondering if they talked or something now. Jonny was a couple of aisles over and I yelled "Hey babe, what kind of condoms do you want?" If you know my husband then you know that he is very shy and does not like it when I make a scene. He came around the corner, face red and I swear there was smoke coming out of his ears. I said "What?" He just gave me a dirty look and told me to get whatever I wanted and he walked away. So, being the wonderful wife I am, I grabbed a box and walked over to him where he stood with a bunch of other people and said "honey, do you think these are small enough for you?" I thought he was going to kill me right there. That's okay, he knew what he was getting when he married me.
Well, we had not used a condom in what seemed like forever. When you get so use to something, it is hard to adapt to change (if you know what I mean). So the box of condoms went into the trash and we resulted to the famous "pull & pray" method for the remaining time period. It made me feel like a teenager again.
The story of my journey to motherhood has now brought us to the present day. At the beginning of February I had my second normal menstrual cycle so it was time for baby making fun. I counted 17 days to mark my calendar for the day I would begin the hormone. We were told by our doctor to try to have sex every other day from the end of my cycle until the day I start my hormone. Have you ever tried to make a baby when you and your husband are not home at the same time? It's quite complex but we have it down to a T. My husband works second shift so he is asleep when I get up in the morning and I am asleep when he gets home at night. We are both home together on the weekend. So the weekend of Valentine's Day, we took advantage of being home together all weekend. During the week is another story. I will either stay up late and wait for him to get home, or he will wake up early in the morning when I get up, or I've even driven home from work on my lunch break to have a little "date" before he goes to work. Our future child better be really thankful for the effort that we have put forth.
So I started my hormone on Saturday the 20th. I did not miss the hormone at all. If you missed it in one of my previous posts, this hormone is a gel that is inserted vaginally once a day. And lets just say that all of the gel does not stay where it needs to. Now that you have a wonderful mental image, I won't say anymore. After I start the hormone it is pretty much the waiting game. Someone should write a book on what to do for the two weeks that you have to wait to see if you are pregnant. The hormone always delays my period so even it is late, I won't get excited. Not that I think we are going to get pregnant the first month, but I am hopeful. So we will see what happens. My birthday is coming up on March 10th and it would be a wonderful 27th birthday present if I got to pee on that magical stick and see two lines. We will see.
Well, we had not used a condom in what seemed like forever. When you get so use to something, it is hard to adapt to change (if you know what I mean). So the box of condoms went into the trash and we resulted to the famous "pull & pray" method for the remaining time period. It made me feel like a teenager again.
The story of my journey to motherhood has now brought us to the present day. At the beginning of February I had my second normal menstrual cycle so it was time for baby making fun. I counted 17 days to mark my calendar for the day I would begin the hormone. We were told by our doctor to try to have sex every other day from the end of my cycle until the day I start my hormone. Have you ever tried to make a baby when you and your husband are not home at the same time? It's quite complex but we have it down to a T. My husband works second shift so he is asleep when I get up in the morning and I am asleep when he gets home at night. We are both home together on the weekend. So the weekend of Valentine's Day, we took advantage of being home together all weekend. During the week is another story. I will either stay up late and wait for him to get home, or he will wake up early in the morning when I get up, or I've even driven home from work on my lunch break to have a little "date" before he goes to work. Our future child better be really thankful for the effort that we have put forth.
So I started my hormone on Saturday the 20th. I did not miss the hormone at all. If you missed it in one of my previous posts, this hormone is a gel that is inserted vaginally once a day. And lets just say that all of the gel does not stay where it needs to. Now that you have a wonderful mental image, I won't say anymore. After I start the hormone it is pretty much the waiting game. Someone should write a book on what to do for the two weeks that you have to wait to see if you are pregnant. The hormone always delays my period so even it is late, I won't get excited. Not that I think we are going to get pregnant the first month, but I am hopeful. So we will see what happens. My birthday is coming up on March 10th and it would be a wonderful 27th birthday present if I got to pee on that magical stick and see two lines. We will see.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Highs and Lows
The next few weeks after the D&C were filled with highs and lows. A little over a week after my D&C, one of my best friends delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I was overjoyed and very happy for her. He was perfect in every way. I just kept thinking to myself "Oh my gosh, one of us is actually a mom." This just reassured me that I was ready to be a mother. Watching my best friend and her husband start their family made me want to experience it that much more. When I held him, all I could do was stare at him in amazement.
About a week later, my best friend called me with devastating news. She had gone to the doctor for her 34 week check up and they could not find the baby's heartbeat. She had lost him. I immediately got off the phone with her and drove to her house. As I was driving there I kept thinking to myself "no, this can't be happening. This isn't real. No way is this happening." But it was. My Godson was born a sleeping angel on December 20, 2009. I have spent the past couple of months angry and upset. I have questioned my faith and God. I have cursed the world and looked for answers. I know that everyone says that everything happens for a reason but no one can tell me why. I read everything I could to try to understand why this would happen. I tried my best to be strong for my best friend and her husband. I didn't know what to say or what to do to help ease their pain.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Godson. I never thought I could love someone so much that I had never met until my best friend in the whole world became pregnant. My best friend and I spend almost every day together. I attended doctor appointments with her, planned her baby shower, felt him move in her tummy and talked to him all of the time. I feel like he was cheated. He was cheated out of his life. His parents were cheated out of their son. I was cheated out of my Godson. Everyone in his family was cheated. Everyone who would have known him was cheated. I have spent too many nights in the past couple of months crying myself to sleep. I will not say anymore. He knows how I feel. It will never show on my face though. I will never let anything get the best of me!
The day after my Godson was born, I had my post opp check up with the doctor. I dreaded going back to that hospital. They called me back and first did a urine sample. They then took me to the second "waiting room" (as I like to call it). The doctor finally came and told me that the pregnancy hormone was out of my system which was a good sign. She also said that all tests from the tissue and blood work had come back fine. She then did an exam and told me that everything had healed nicely and my uterus was back to its original size. She informed Jonny and I that we would need to wait two menstrual cycles and then we could start trying again. She said that I should get my first cycle sometime in January and then after the February cycle we could try again. Jonny and I were happy and relieved with the news. We both decided that as soon as we could try again, we would. We knew that the journey would continue.
About a week later, my best friend called me with devastating news. She had gone to the doctor for her 34 week check up and they could not find the baby's heartbeat. She had lost him. I immediately got off the phone with her and drove to her house. As I was driving there I kept thinking to myself "no, this can't be happening. This isn't real. No way is this happening." But it was. My Godson was born a sleeping angel on December 20, 2009. I have spent the past couple of months angry and upset. I have questioned my faith and God. I have cursed the world and looked for answers. I know that everyone says that everything happens for a reason but no one can tell me why. I read everything I could to try to understand why this would happen. I tried my best to be strong for my best friend and her husband. I didn't know what to say or what to do to help ease their pain.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Godson. I never thought I could love someone so much that I had never met until my best friend in the whole world became pregnant. My best friend and I spend almost every day together. I attended doctor appointments with her, planned her baby shower, felt him move in her tummy and talked to him all of the time. I feel like he was cheated. He was cheated out of his life. His parents were cheated out of their son. I was cheated out of my Godson. Everyone in his family was cheated. Everyone who would have known him was cheated. I have spent too many nights in the past couple of months crying myself to sleep. I will not say anymore. He knows how I feel. It will never show on my face though. I will never let anything get the best of me!
The day after my Godson was born, I had my post opp check up with the doctor. I dreaded going back to that hospital. They called me back and first did a urine sample. They then took me to the second "waiting room" (as I like to call it). The doctor finally came and told me that the pregnancy hormone was out of my system which was a good sign. She also said that all tests from the tissue and blood work had come back fine. She then did an exam and told me that everything had healed nicely and my uterus was back to its original size. She informed Jonny and I that we would need to wait two menstrual cycles and then we could start trying again. She said that I should get my first cycle sometime in January and then after the February cycle we could try again. Jonny and I were happy and relieved with the news. We both decided that as soon as we could try again, we would. We knew that the journey would continue.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
D & C
It was time for the D&C. My surgery was scheduled for 10:00 a.m. but I had to be at the hospital at 8:00 for prep. My mom and Jonny took me to the surgery. For those of you who don't know me, I am the most needle phobic person on this planet. Any time I have to get my blood drawn, I totally panic and just about pass out. So anyway, a nurse comes out to get me so I can get checked in and changed. They make my mom and Jonny wait in the waiting room while I get prepped. I have a wonderful nurse who was very compassionate. The only time I cried was when I had to sign a paper giving the hospital permission to dispose of the fetal tissue. Other than that, all of the paperwork went smoothly.
The nurse then handed me the lovely hospital gown I would be wearing. The nurse laughed at all of my jokes and especially when I asked her if she was enjoying the butt view. Then the nurse prepared to put in the dreaded IV. She was very quick but I still had anxiety. After she put in the IV she went to get my mom and Jonny. I could hear her as they approached my room "don't worry, she looks a little pale but that is just from the IV."
Surgery time came and I was wheeled back to the operating room. They put me on the operating table and the anesthesiologist told me he was going to give me an "operating room cocktail" to help me relax. That was the best cocktail I have ever had. Next thing I know I see two nurses bolting these huge black boot type things to the table. I immediately realize that my legs are going to be strapped in to those things spread wide for the world to see. The last thing I remember is asking the doctor if she would wait until I was asleep until she put my legs in those things. I told her that I knew everyone was going to see my business but I'd like to pretend like it wasn't happening. She giggled and said she would definitely wait.
The surgery went well. The doctor told my mom and Jonny that my uterus and tubes looked great and she did not see any other abnormalities. She told them that she was going to send the fetal tissue to the lab to be tested. After I was out of recovery, I had to stay for about an hour for monitoring. Every 15 minutes a nurse would come in and make me lift up so she could check the amount of bleeding. Every time this happened, Jonny would freak. I kept laughing and asking him what he was going to do when I was actually in labor. I told him that he would be seeing a lot worse than that. I was instructed to schedule a follow up visit in two weeks. I spent the rest of the day in pain and laying on the couch. I did, however, enjoy my pain pills.
The nurse then handed me the lovely hospital gown I would be wearing. The nurse laughed at all of my jokes and especially when I asked her if she was enjoying the butt view. Then the nurse prepared to put in the dreaded IV. She was very quick but I still had anxiety. After she put in the IV she went to get my mom and Jonny. I could hear her as they approached my room "don't worry, she looks a little pale but that is just from the IV."
Surgery time came and I was wheeled back to the operating room. They put me on the operating table and the anesthesiologist told me he was going to give me an "operating room cocktail" to help me relax. That was the best cocktail I have ever had. Next thing I know I see two nurses bolting these huge black boot type things to the table. I immediately realize that my legs are going to be strapped in to those things spread wide for the world to see. The last thing I remember is asking the doctor if she would wait until I was asleep until she put my legs in those things. I told her that I knew everyone was going to see my business but I'd like to pretend like it wasn't happening. She giggled and said she would definitely wait.
The surgery went well. The doctor told my mom and Jonny that my uterus and tubes looked great and she did not see any other abnormalities. She told them that she was going to send the fetal tissue to the lab to be tested. After I was out of recovery, I had to stay for about an hour for monitoring. Every 15 minutes a nurse would come in and make me lift up so she could check the amount of bleeding. Every time this happened, Jonny would freak. I kept laughing and asking him what he was going to do when I was actually in labor. I told him that he would be seeing a lot worse than that. I was instructed to schedule a follow up visit in two weeks. I spent the rest of the day in pain and laying on the couch. I did, however, enjoy my pain pills.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Time for the ultrasound
Looking back, I remember the night before we went for our ultrasound. My mom had called me to tell me (for the hundredth time) to call her right after our appointment so she could hear every detail. While talking to her, she was asking me if I was excited. I remember telling her that I was excited and I just wanted to go and make sure that there was really a baby in there. (Maybe I shouldn't have said that.)
On November 30, 2009, Jonny and I went to the doctor in hopes of getting our first glimpse of our future child. Jonny kept pointing to various pregnant women asking me if I was ready to look like that. We laughed about how funny I was going to look with a huge belly. We waited not so patiently in the waiting room until they called our name. We went back into a small room filled with the ultrasound gear. I was told to undress from the waste down as the ultrasound would be done vaginally. Jonny whispered to me "that thing looks like a turkey baster." We were all smiles. Before she started, the ultrasound tech asked me for the first day of my last period and I told her October 5th. She started the ultrasound and I immediately noticed that something didn't seem right. I looked at my husband and mouthed to him "somethings wrong." He just kept looking at me and the screen with a blank look. The ultrasound tech said "here's the gestational sac and let me just get a measurement of your ovaries." Then she asked me again when my last period was and I told her. It felt like she was forcing that "turkey baster" into every direction possible. Then she stopped the ultrasound and told me to go ahead and sit back. I told her I knew something was wrong and she could just tell me. She said that there was a gestational sac but she could not see a fetus. She said she was going to get the doctor and I could get dressed.
I cried as I got dressed. I looked at Jonny and told him that I had a bad feeling about this. I felt kind of stupid for being so upset about something that I obviously never had but it still hurt. The doctor came in and explained to us that there must have been something wrong with either the sperm or the egg so my body detected it and absorbed it. She explained that my body did not completely reject the pregnancy since the gestational sac kept growing. My gestational sac measured at 8 wks 2 days. She explained this as being called a "blighted ovum." She scheduled me for a D & C for the next morning and sent me home with some printouts about miscarriage.
I cried almost all of the way home. Once we got home, I was able to process what had happened. Jonny and I had hardly said two words to each other since we got the news. I looked over at him and said "Well, at least your sperm and my egg finally tried to do something." Then we both just laughed and realized that our journey was far from over. Not that I wanted it to end that way but it was nice to know that we were so much further in our journey than we were 18 months ago. We both know that our journey is completely in God's hands. Well, in God's hands and in the hands of my magical plastic applicators.
On November 30, 2009, Jonny and I went to the doctor in hopes of getting our first glimpse of our future child. Jonny kept pointing to various pregnant women asking me if I was ready to look like that. We laughed about how funny I was going to look with a huge belly. We waited not so patiently in the waiting room until they called our name. We went back into a small room filled with the ultrasound gear. I was told to undress from the waste down as the ultrasound would be done vaginally. Jonny whispered to me "that thing looks like a turkey baster." We were all smiles. Before she started, the ultrasound tech asked me for the first day of my last period and I told her October 5th. She started the ultrasound and I immediately noticed that something didn't seem right. I looked at my husband and mouthed to him "somethings wrong." He just kept looking at me and the screen with a blank look. The ultrasound tech said "here's the gestational sac and let me just get a measurement of your ovaries." Then she asked me again when my last period was and I told her. It felt like she was forcing that "turkey baster" into every direction possible. Then she stopped the ultrasound and told me to go ahead and sit back. I told her I knew something was wrong and she could just tell me. She said that there was a gestational sac but she could not see a fetus. She said she was going to get the doctor and I could get dressed.
I cried as I got dressed. I looked at Jonny and told him that I had a bad feeling about this. I felt kind of stupid for being so upset about something that I obviously never had but it still hurt. The doctor came in and explained to us that there must have been something wrong with either the sperm or the egg so my body detected it and absorbed it. She explained that my body did not completely reject the pregnancy since the gestational sac kept growing. My gestational sac measured at 8 wks 2 days. She explained this as being called a "blighted ovum." She scheduled me for a D & C for the next morning and sent me home with some printouts about miscarriage.
I cried almost all of the way home. Once we got home, I was able to process what had happened. Jonny and I had hardly said two words to each other since we got the news. I looked over at him and said "Well, at least your sperm and my egg finally tried to do something." Then we both just laughed and realized that our journey was far from over. Not that I wanted it to end that way but it was nice to know that we were so much further in our journey than we were 18 months ago. We both know that our journey is completely in God's hands. Well, in God's hands and in the hands of my magical plastic applicators.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
