Update: Nothing Exciting

Well lets see. I left my last post on my birthday. I had gotten a negative pregnancy test and had my visit from Aunt Flo. Well, after that, we embarked on another month of trying for a baby. We enjoyed our sexcapades at all of the pertinent times. Then, it all fell apart. A couple of days before I was to begin my hormone, I ended up in the hospital. I woke up early in the morning with a terrible pain in my back and stomach. After about an hour, we went to the ER. I was eventually admitted to the hospital to be monitored. They say I passed a kidney stone and I had fluid around my pancreas. I was on a lot of pain medication at the hospital. A few days later, I followed up with my doctor who told me I had an ear infection and she tested me for mono. Due to all of the pain medication and the possibility that I could have mono, I decided that I was going to skip the hormone. It was a hard decision because there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind. What if the sperm and egg were meeting and I killed them? What if this is our chance and I ruin it? But I think the decision was a good one. I don't think I would want to start off my pregnancy already sick and on a bunch of medication. I went on an antibiotic for the ear infection and my test came back negative for mono. So, I got my wonderful monthly gift on the last day of March. "Here we go again."

Sometimes I just feel like I don't want to do this any more. I've always tried to stay positive. I've always said that nothing will get in my way. But as more time passes, it sometimes seems like it would be easier to just forget it. Maybe I'm just angry. I'm angry at all of the people out there that don't want kids and have them. I'm angry about all the women out there who only have kids so they can get more money from the government. I'm angry at all the people out there who have children and take them for granted. I'm angry at all the people out there who have kids and abuse them. I'm angry at all the women out there who have babies born addicted to drugs. I'm angry at all the women out there who have a baby and dispose of it like a piece of trash. I'm angry that there are so many people who desperately want to have children and we have a system full of children who are in foster care because their parents can't take care of them. I have a message for the world: If you don't want children, can't take care of them and/or don't want to take care of them, don't have them!! You have no idea how lucky you are. I feel as though I have gone from hope, to desparation, to sadness to angriness during this journey. I also feel like this journey is far from over. Maybe it is a woman's intuition, but for some reason, in the back of my mind, I feel like we have a lot more obstacles to overcome.